I wish I knew how to express the feelings that being left behind leaves us with though I realize that even if I were able to put them into words, the feelings would be different for you than they are for me. Pain, emotion, loss, it’s all contingent on your relationship with the person who is lost. There are some people who leave us peacefully; losses that I like to believe while still difficult, we’re able to come to terms with. Then there are those which we’ll never get over, we’ll never understand, we’ll always hold on to. Those who choose to leave us, permanently, irreversibly, without saying goodbye.
My father died by suicide and I have been left with the struggle of carrying on. My life has been in an upheaval ever since this tragedy and I have been left with a wound that will never heal. So, while I cannot explain to you the grief that you’ll be left with after the loss of a loved one, to suicide; I am able to share my own experience. Can any good be done by doing this? I really do not know and it honestly seems unlikely. I just know that I have to put it all somewhere and I have to try.
I have felt unimaginable pain and have experienced grief that is beyond emotional, beyond anything I’d ever imagined, I ever dreamed could be real. I’ve suffered a broken heart in its truest form and now exist with such a tremendous ache inside of me that most days; I don’t know how I’ll carry on. A pain that is so real and so sharp that it becomes physical and mind numbing. An emptiness that I know can never be filled. A realization that I didn’t do enough or that I wasn’t enough and there’s nothing that I can do to make it right, to try again. I’ve been given an evil lesson in life on the non-existence of second chances and the weight of regrets. I now know what helpless feels like.
I created this site mainly so that I could talk to my Dad. He died on June 4, 2012; For the longest time, I did not speak the word suicide out loud. My vision for the site isn’t entirely clear yet, I’m just looking for a way to create some sort of good out of all of this turmoil but more importantly, I need a place where I can mourn, talk, grieve and share. I hope to be able to support others who are unfortunate enough to have to experience this kind of sadness. It’s a living hell, every single day of my life. Nonetheless, I will do my best to honor my father as he would have done the same for me. Your story doesn’t have to be the same as mine; if you are sad, if you need something and you don’t know what that something is, you are always welcome here… I am Bob’s Legacy and this is all I have left to give to him.